Pink and Blue Mommy Expecting 2 Amd 3
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I guess I was just expecting more. It assumes that all of their readers are cisgendered, and expects parents to treat their children as such. Newsflash: when a boy wears a skirt, it's a boy skirt. It doesn't mean he's gay, doesn't mean he's trans. And if he is, so what.
There is a section where they described the symptoms of being transgender in detail and basically tell the parents to ignore it and tell the kid "you're really (birth s
It's a good book. Informative, concise, and well thought out.I guess I was just expecting more. It assumes that all of their readers are cisgendered, and expects parents to treat their children as such. Newsflash: when a boy wears a skirt, it's a boy skirt. It doesn't mean he's gay, doesn't mean he's trans. And if he is, so what.
There is a section where they described the symptoms of being transgender in detail and basically tell the parents to ignore it and tell the kid "you're really (birth sex) you just have succumbed to stereotypes- you can be whatever you want regardless of gender" which is great, but it completely disregards the feelings of the child.
It's fine if you want to raise children who don't succumb to stereotypes- girls who are free to like math and play with trucks, boys who play with dolls and write poetry, children who will cross the gender divide when looking for playmates. It does not explain in a queer-friendly way how to raise children that are brave enough to dress and look the way they want, regardless of gender, with parental support.
I suppose it is groundbreaking, considering. It does contain plenty of useful information. It is not, however, for trans inclusive or gender-neutral parenting.
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This is very much through a cis, mostly white lens, and I would be interested in how to gender stereotypes might differently affect trans kids and any other additional p
This has some good practical tips for helping make sure parents minimize the effect of gender stereotypes on their kids, and she spends a lot of time talking about the science behind the stereotypes and their effects. Some of the science parts were a little dry when I really just wanted the tips, but I am glad she included both.This is very much through a cis, mostly white lens, and I would be interested in how to gender stereotypes might differently affect trans kids and any other additional protections they might need.
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I really don't like feeling as though I'm trying to be convinced of something. I prefer an honest relaying of the facts and an open acknowledgment of opinion and I think that's where this book lost me.
Even though I agree with the author, I had to keep some skepticism with me while I read her arguments.
Background Story: I read a lot about how and why girls fail to excel in STEM subjects. So when that information is presented in the book, I am on high ale
Won't lie: I had to power through this one.I really don't like feeling as though I'm trying to be convinced of something. I prefer an honest relaying of the facts and an open acknowledgment of opinion and I think that's where this book lost me.
Even though I agree with the author, I had to keep some skepticism with me while I read her arguments.
Background Story: I read a lot about how and why girls fail to excel in STEM subjects. So when that information is presented in the book, I am on high alert for whether or not it is corroborated by everything else I've read.
In chatper 4, she states: "There are some gender differences related to math, however. Ironically, counter to the stereotype, girls actually earn higher grades in math classes than boys through high school…"
This statement was left dangling in the air while she pushed forward an argument about how math confidence is greatly different between genders.
It took many chapters before she brought to light that girls outperform boys in school across the board potentially related to housekeeping tasks: finish homework assignments, following directions, etc. etc.
I felt I was being led in a direction "Girls are actually very good at Math!" which I don't see as equivalent to academic performance. Once she circled back, I felt a little better about the other "facts" I was taking in from her work. But nonetheless, I'm curious as to where her conclusions were drawn and how sturdy the foundation of what I "learned"
Now, for the good notes
I learned a lot.
*Kids will pick up on the smallest cues (you looked away when your little boy hugged a doll, you didn't smile when your little girl picked up a toy truck). And internalize these cues as to what their behavior should be.
*Kids are desperate to belong to their group (this makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint) and as such will go out of their way to strongly identify with imagery of what it means to belong to a group. You're a girl and you get a toy with a boy playing with that toy on the front: interest lost. It's a boy toy and you don't identify as a boy.
*Subtle things in the world tell kids where boys and girls belong in society: FireMAN, PoliceMAN, obviously a girl cannot do these things.
*Hardly any notable differences in gender exist as birth, but by the time a child is a toddler they're behavior has been shaped and gender roles reinforced (who knew this happened so early?)
*Same-sex schools exist because people believe 100% that boys and girls learn differently. Boys will do better if they get to write an essay about hunting and girls will write essays about baking (Is that for real? This is one of those moments where I'm having doubts.)
*Stereotype Threat- It's a thing. It has a statistically significant impact on test scores and school performance. Bummer.
Self Centered Notes
*I like that men who change diapers get to have a more positive parenting experience.
*My parents were CRAZY gender role divided. But I played with all my brother's toys (I wanted ALL THE TOYS) and do a lot of Math. What's up with that.
Here's one shocking example of a very subconscious stereotype. An analysis of everyday conversations between parents and toddlers shows parents are twice as likely to use numbers when talking to toddler boys as opposed to toddler girls. I don't think anyone is doing that on purpose, but we are subconsciously bought-in to the stereotype that boys are better at math than girls. And FYI, this stereotype is not true! Because of the stereotype, teenage girls and women have demonstrably lower confidence in their ability to do math, but it doesn't actually reflect any difference in innate abilities!
The main message of the book is that we should treat our kids as individuals, with their gender being an extra bit of biological information much like their height and hair colour. We shouldn't let our own stereotypes (or the stereotypes of others) curtail the natural abilities and inclination of kids, and we should steer clear of generalizations that "all boys are x" or "all girls are y", because our stereotypes make these generalizations come true by forcing kids into boxes!
An excellent book not just for parents, but for everyone, and a good conversation starter!
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There's a good reminder on reviewing books and the like, there's some pretty horrible sexism and racism in many of those earlier books. I'm an uncle and not a parent, so that and other gifting and behavior advice is useful for me.
Sorry to say I can't recommend a more comprehensive book on the subject, parents and people working with kids should definitely read something like Part III in this or another work.
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I think that the author genuinely cares about reducing the impact of gender roles in society, however she is very stuck on the gender binary, and it is incredibly frustrating.
I'm addition, she seems much more comfortable with girls forgoing gender roles than boys, for instance when discussing color of clothing:
"Your daughter is still a girl, even if she has some clothes that are not pink or purple. Think bright, bold primary colors. I don't think many peo
I was deeply disappointed with this book.I think that the author genuinely cares about reducing the impact of gender roles in society, however she is very stuck on the gender binary, and it is incredibly frustrating.
I'm addition, she seems much more comfortable with girls forgoing gender roles than boys, for instance when discussing color of clothing:
"Your daughter is still a girl, even if she has some clothes that are not pink or purple. Think bright, bold primary colors. I don't think many people would dress their sons all in pink. That is okay. But something yellow every once in a while might be nice for him"
What the fuck kind of double standard is that!? COLORS ARE COLORS. DRESS YOUR BOY IN PINK AND PURPLE AND EVERY OTHER COLOR.
Colors do not have genders, and the whole point of the book is supposed to be that gender doesn't matter!!!!
She also frequently mentions a child being gay as a bad thing - honestly i would have welcomed even a seinfeldian jokey "not that there's anything wrong with that!" - we get nothing except repeated mentioning of parents fear of gay children and that allowing your child to play with "cross-gender" toys won't turn them gay.... Again, as if that is a bad thing.
I was also very angry at her dismissal of non-binary gender identities - she makes a disparaging comment about a child being referred to as "it" and forced to wear "a burlap sack".
I would expect a lot more awareness and understanding from someone who studies gender as a career.
All that said, she does have some helpful tips on avoiding gendered language with your kids and addressing stereotypes enforced by other adults and children, and makes an impassioned plea against gender-segregated education, which I appreciate.
Overall not the worst parenting book but incredibly tone-deaf with respect to LGBT issues, particularly considering it was written in 2014, while reading like it was written 30 years prior.
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The book includes lots of positive, practical advice. She recommends the simple change of using the word "kid" when talking about children unless there's a reason to specify the ge
REALLY interesting read, gave me loads to think about. Dr. Brown pulls from her developmental psychology background and her parenting experience. She makes a persuasive case that our society over-relies on gender-based labeling and assumptions, to the detriment of our kids' academic, emotional, and physical potential.The book includes lots of positive, practical advice. She recommends the simple change of using the word "kid" when talking about children unless there's a reason to specify the gender, so that we're not constantly emphasizing the label of "boy" or "girl." (A child who's acquiring language attaches a lot of significance to that & starts thinking in terms of "team boy" and "team girl.") Brown offers suggestions when thinking about toys, sports, parties, and conversations. And she gives examples about how to offer tactful correction when we hear stereotypes, either from our kids or from people who interact with them.
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One interesting parallel I took away is that it's not eno
This book simultaneously made me feel better and worse about being a parent. Better because I feel much more justified in some of the stuff we've tried to do for our kids. Worse because, ack, gender roles and sexism is everywhere and how are we supposed to protect our kids from the whole dang culture? But I'm glad I read it and there are some helpful tips about how to do your best to influence your kids without being too militant about it.One interesting parallel I took away is that it's not enough to just say "everyone can do the same things"; you have to specifically call out when someone says something stereotypical and rebut it by saying "boys _and_ girls can be firefighters" (or whatever). Also, you can't just not say anything about it because kids will pick up gender stereotypes from other kids, TV, random adults, etc, so you have to fight against these. This reminds me a lot of the newer research on racism, where you have to actively be antiracist instead of just saying general things like "everyone is equal".
Odds and ends:
- Kids pick up on the fact that gender is important, and then will start to overgeneralize based on that. Brown gives an example of her daughter saying out of the blue that boys are messy and girls are neat (even though her father is the neatest person in the house!)
- A study was done where teacher were told to use gender to organize their classroom. (children had name cards of pink or blue, they lined up boy-girl-boy-girl, etc.) Even though the teachers treated the boys and girls equally and didn't express any stereotypes, students developed stronger gender stereotypes by themselves than those in a classroom where the teachers were told to ignore gender.
- A similar study was done but instead of gender, kids were randomly assigned to the red or blue group and then teachers used groups to organize the classrooms in a similar way. And lo and behold, kids developed stereotypes about the red and blue groups! But kids in a classroom where kids were in groups but teachers didn't talk about them, the kids didn't develop those stereotypes.
- A big one: when kids hear "he" used as a generic term, they assume it only refers to boys. Same for "fireman" and "policeman"; kids assume only boys can be firefighters or police officers. This is a very hard habit to break, although I have managed to make some progress for myself! They've done studies where parents look at animal picture books, they use "he" 95% of the time.
- Brown says, somewhat depressingly, you only have until your kid is three years old to try to avoid using stereotypes; after that, the stereotypes are ingrained, and the best thing to do is to tackle them head-on. (more on how to do this later)
- Brown was interviewing a group of high-achieving women undergraduates and asked them to raise their hand if they felt insecure about their math abilities - and everyone raised their hand! (and they were kind of surprised everyone felt the same way) Brown then bet that if he asked a similar group of men, no one would raise their hand. So they walked down the hall, found a group of men in a classroom, and lo and behold, none of them raised their hand🙂
- There are some differences between boys and girls, and there's an interesting discussion of effect size. Basically an effect size is a measure of how much two populations differ between each other relative to how much they differ within themselves. So for examples, boys are considered to be much more active than girls. But the effect size is only 0.21, meaning that if you have a boy who is of average "activeness", 42 percent of girls are more active than him. Yes, that's less than 50 percent, but it really doesn't tell you much about any particular child. Almost all gender differences are of this magnitude or less.
- Brown says that when she hears her kid say a gender stereotype, even if it's just strange (her kid said one day that girls have eyelashes and boys don't), she just says two things: point out that both genders do have whatever the statement was, then point out a concrete example of someone breaking the stereotype. ("Daddy has long eyelashes!") And then stop talking about it :-)
- It's important to encourage your kid to do whatever activities they want, even if they're not "gender stereotypical". If you're more encouraging and engaged, the kid will enjoy it more and want to do it, and that will lead to them getting better at it.
- There's a section about self-esteem in girls (which, sigh), but I didn't realize that African-American girls have better self-esteem and body image and less depression than white girls. This seems to be because African-American girls have more positive relationships with their mothers, and their mothers encourage their independence more.
- "Stereotype threat" is a depressing occurrence where just reminding kids what gender they are can trigger stereotypes that cause them to perform worse. For example, just having girls fill out their gender on the front of a math test causes them to do worse on it, because of the stereotype that girls are worse at math. Yikes! Here are Brown's eight tips to help protect your child from stereotype threat:
- De-emphasize gender: try to make them think about their other characteristics (about being a third-grader, or a member of their school or family, for example)
- Reframe the task: remind them that it's just a test and not a true measure of their full ability.
- Discuss stereotype threat: teach kids that it's normal to feel anxious when they are taking a test.
- Encourage self-affirmation: have your child think about values, skills, and characteristics that are important to them and write about them.
- Emphasize high standards, and assure kids they are capable of meeting them
- Provide competent role models: point out women who excel in math, or boys who excel at writing. (these can be fictional characters!)
- Provide alternative explanations for anxiety: like the item above, tell them it's normal to feel anxious and it will go away over time
- Teach that intelligence comes from trying hard, rather than innate talents: this is the whole thing about praising kids for working hard and not for "being smart", just like the Punished by Rewards book says, or the whole "growth mindset" thing.
- Brown summarizes things by saying the three things she really tries to do:
- Get rid of a lot of toys that are stereotypical. She especially calls out Barbie and similar dolls, and shirts with depressingly stereotypical sayings on them (like "I love shopping")
- Alter the language you use with your kids - don't say "pretty girls" or "big girls", just say "kids" or "big kids". When you're talking about someone else, try to pick a descriptive label that doesn't involve gender instead of just calling them a man or woman, unless it's particularly relevant for some reason.
- Stop kids from using their own stereotypes and correct them. Even when other adults say something stereotypical, tell kids that the stereotype is wrong in private after the fact.
- Brown also says three assumptions to try to avoid:
- Don't assume toys and movies/TV are just for fun. They influence kids!
- Don't assume you don't have any influence on your kids and surrender to the media and culture - you still have an impact!
- Don't assume anything about your child solely on the basis of gender.
I read this book already agreeing with the principal and wanted support in my beliefs and justifications for my actions, which it has provided. I found myself shouting 'yes' several times when things I have thought were backed up by evidence. Definitely preaching to the converted.
In some aspects I didn't think she went far enough. She used the term tomboy without reference to the sex
I would recommend this book to everyone, not just parents. As we all need help in combatting gender stereotypes.I read this book already agreeing with the principal and wanted support in my beliefs and justifications for my actions, which it has provided. I found myself shouting 'yes' several times when things I have thought were backed up by evidence. Definitely preaching to the converted.
In some aspects I didn't think she went far enough. She used the term tomboy without reference to the sexism it implies. I felt her pointers for parents could have been more about instilling your children with a critical eye so as they can counter stereotypes by themselves. Instead of her telling them each time they happen, that whatever assumption about boys and girls is wrong.
It was written in a chatty, parent to parent, tone which made it very readable and I have earmarked several pages to reference later on. But I think she may not get the wider audience she desires. Mainstream culture is so far away from these ideas that is depressing.
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To quote from the book, "It isn't about denying that children are girls or boys. It is about children not being defined by gender...It is about reducing the stereotypes that harm them and strengthening the traits that are good for everyone. And it is about allowing their unique strengths to shine through."
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I appreciate how well-referenced the book is and how well the author explained some important statistical principles.
My one gripe with the book is that Christia Spears Brown went into a lot of detail for some research but less for other points, and sometimes I felt like I may need to look into the background of her references to feel fully ju
This book gives some great pointers for how to raise well-rounded kids and to avoid allowing stereotypes from keeping kids from fulfilling their potential.I appreciate how well-referenced the book is and how well the author explained some important statistical principles.
My one gripe with the book is that Christia Spears Brown went into a lot of detail for some research but less for other points, and sometimes I felt like I may need to look into the background of her references to feel fully justified in agreeing with her. But for me, the whole point of reading a book like this is so I don't have to read all the research myself. Oh well, she did cite her sources really well, so maybe one day I'll look some of them up. Meanwhile, I do think most of her tips were excellent regardless of how ironclad all her arguments may or may not have been.
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Essentially, 1) try to minimize gendered language in everyday use, 2) confront and correct
I enjoyed reading about gender studies and learning more about the meta-analyses performed on hundreds of studies. There were many tips on how to approach gender and confronting stereotypes while parenting. However, I found much of the research overwhelming as a parent, and the disheartening message at the end telling me to try, but my child will still have voices telling him how to act from all directions.Essentially, 1) try to minimize gendered language in everyday use, 2) confront and correct stereotypical thinking, especially all-or-nothing thinking (not all boys/girls do this, some girls and some boys), and 3) provide examples in the child's life that contradict the stereotype.
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